Category Archives: Realizations

#115 90s Internet Was Nothing Like It Is Now.

Posted on May 1, 2012 | 3 Comments

Recently I spotted a young whippersnapper, no older than 11, using his fancy laptop in Starbucks. My attention turned his way after he kept audibly muttering complaints about the speed and consistence of the public Wi-Fi. Apparently the high definition, 1080p Youtube videos weren’t loading up to par with his whiny wishes and he was enraged by it. Sadly, the generation of young folks currently on the rise has no idea what a 90s kid’s internet experience was like. Some of the struggles we dealt with included:

1. Being forced to hear a loathsome (borderline unbearable), Dubstep sounding combination of screeches, beeps and unidentified noises for about 30 seconds EVERY single time we connected to the internet. (SEE BELOW).
2.  About 50% of the time, after waiting for the detestable dial-up sounds to pass, the connection STILL failed.
3. If we were fortunate enough to successfully connect to the internet, ANYTIME thereafter that somebody needed to use the phone, you were forced to disconnect to free up the phone line. (I can’t remember how many times I heard the phrases “Get off of the internet, I need to make a call!” or “I’m waiting on an important call so nobody get online for the next few hours…”
4.  The internet used to be handicap turtles at the DMV slow. In the year 2012, buffering is often considered intolerable. For 90s kids, it was a regular occurrence. Patience wasn’t a virtue, it was a necessity.
5. Wi-fi didn’t exist, which meant if you were on the internet, you were likely sitting at a desk on a home PC.

Honestly, as time consuming and troublesome as our internet experience was, it was still magnificent. At the time, we knew nothing about high speed, wireless connections or anything of that nature – so we adored our raw, brand new technology. The point here is that those born in a faster, more efficient internet era will never appreciate the remarkable improvements that have been made. Our patience as 90s kids was tested, therefore, it’s a lot easier for us to relax when a computer has a little loading time, than someone who has never experienced that… OK, who am I kidding? I slam the mouse or scream obscenities at the computer during the slightest of malfunctions too, but at least I know from experience that things could be worse.

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#114 Nickelodeon Magazine And Disney Adventures Were Top Tier Reading Material.

Posted on February 7, 2012 | 9 Comments

When we were kids, there were very few forms of words & illustrations bound together on pieces of paper that really appealed to us. Besides Where’s Waldo and comic books, there were two other very well liked exceptions. Nickelodeon Magazine & Disney Adventures were two things that 90s kids really enjoyed. Nickelodeon Magazine ran a commercial that must’ve aired at every single  break (see below), because it’s forever embedded in plenty of our brains. Anyway, these magazines featured content that we found interesting during that time period. See, nowadays we’re more likely to read magazines with content covering celebrity gossip, fashion, sports or things of that nature. Back then we got our thrills from Nickelodeon Magazine’s comics, pranks, posters, interviews, recipes, non-fiction articles and general humor. The coolest thing about ‘em was the fact that they didn’t strictly contain things only associated with their network; they covered all sorts of topics a kid could relate to! Meanwhile, Disney Adventures managed to capture the entertaining/fun aspects that Nickelodeon Magazine had, while adding some educational material in addition. So, we learned a few things and got the take pleasure in the puzzle games, entertainment news, fun facts (a section called: Weird Yet True) and a sports guide, created by ESPN. While both magazines have met their demise, they put together strong runs that managed to live on past our childhoods. If you have the slightest hoarding tendencies, surely you’ve got some of these magazines lying around somewhere.

OK, who else has seen this Nickelodeon Magazine commercial below SO MANY times that you can still recite nearly every word, verbatim? Nostalgia at its finest!

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#113 Before Tosh.0, It Was America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Posted on February 6, 2012 | 9 Comments

Shockingly there was life before the Youtube era and viral video phenomenon. So, when you see a show like Tosh.0 that completely revolves around popular/wide spread videos, it’s important that you realize it’s not a completely original concept. See, back in the 90s we had a little something called America’s Funniest Home Videos. We didn’t have internet access so the clips shown on this series were sent in by folks via mail (what an outdated method of communication, right?) on tapes. Instead of Daniel Tosh, our host was the magnificent Bob Saget (Full House) and the humor was less adult oriented, gearing itself more toward families. While we were restricted to PG material, there was a hefty supply of slapstick humor through accidents and mishaps involving kids and pets. Countless times we saw the guaranteed to get a laugh clips of shots to the crotch or slipping/tripping clumsiness. While Bob Saget didn’t spend a ton of time evaluating each clip or doing anything like “Web Redemptions” as Mr. Tosh does, it was the 90s kid’s version of a video clip television show. Now that we’re adults, it’s great to enjoy the humor provided by Tosh.0 via clips from Youtube, but make sure you don’t forget your roots, and the fact that before Daniel Tosh, Bob Saget presented you with laughs at other people’s expense!

Which do you like better. America’s Funniest Home Videos as a kid OR TOSH.0 as an adult? Leave your answers in the COMMENT section!

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#112 Step By Step Used The Brady Bunch Formula.

Posted on December 12, 2011 | 4 Comments

Divorced woman with three kids meets divorced father with three kids and they all merge into one big, happy family. Genius, ain’t it? Obviously the creators of Step By Step (day by die, a fresh start over, a different hand to play) knew how successful The Brady Bunch was with this same blue print so they took it, made some modifications to better fit the times and ran with it. In fact, they won the battle of endurance, running with that concept longer than the Brady Bunch itself did. Believe it or not, Step By Step accumulated seven seasons (160 total episodes) while The Brady Bunch only lasted for five seasons (117 total episodes). The storylines on Step By Step incorporated many things we saw the Brady’s endure as well, such as the families combining and forcing the children to interact as brothers and sisters. It depicted typical family conflicts between siblings and your basic situations that kids and teenagers face during the process of growing up. Let’s take a moment to reflect on the characters of Step By Step and get a better understanding of what each one brought to the table.

FOSTER FAMILY
Chrissy Snow Carol: The edgy mother played by Suzanne Somers. She owned a salon that was connected to her house for part of the series.
Karen: Carol’s daughter who dreamed of being a model. Often shallow, rarely sensible.
Dana: Carol’s daughter who was intelligent but uptight. She was somewhat of a feminist and displayed hostility toward her stepbrothers.
Mark: Carol’s son who was a nerd to the maximum. He wore sweatshirts (with the occasional matching fanny pack) around his waist.

LAMBERT FAMILY
Frank: The laid back dad who owned a construction company. He balances out Carol’s uptight ways while she makes Frank a more responsible man.
J.T. (John Thomas): Frank’s son who was your typical slacker jock. Played sports well but failed at academics. He resented his new family members, especially Dana.
Al (Alicia): Tomboyish daughter of Frank who ends up being quite a feminine looking woman who pursues a career as an actress.
Brendan: Son of Frank, he was your typical carefree youngster but he randomly disappeared from the series after the sixth season.
Cody: Frank’s goober of a nephew who lived in a van in the driveway. He was rather eccentric and had catchphrases such as, “Dude!” and “No Way!” Definitely not the brightest bulb in the box.
How cheesy is this intro? Especially the green screened roller coaster shot. So 90s and I love it.

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#111 Sonic The Hedgehog Games Were The Fastest Paced Activity Of Our Childhood.

Posted on November 22, 2011 | 15 Comments

Sega’s Sonic games were the only real competition to Nintendo’s Super Mario franchise. Many tried to emulate what they were seeing elsewhere but the makers of Sonic constructed a game faster paced and more aesthetically pleasing than any other platform had produced. The spiky, blue hedgehog not only became a beloved game franchise but was the mascot for Sega. There was even a short time in which Sonic dethroned Mario, who at the time seemed untouchable. Why was he able to? Because Sonic games were the first to be a ridiculously speedy game that moved quickly and had high drops, slopes, loop-de-loops, running and jumping in each level. The levels had enemies scattered all over the place so you had to adopt the “be quick, but don’t be in a hurry” motto to prevail. We know the Sonic series was good because even when they brought in Tails’ obnoxious ass in Sonic The Hedgehog 2, the game was still brilliant. Tails was one of the worst sidekicks in existence. Or perhaps it was the fact that the game’s rival, Mario had one of the all time great sidekicks in Luigi, which set the bar higher than Tails could reach… Which is really unacceptable since Tails had flying abilities. Either way, the blue hedgehog in red sneakers changed the pace of video games as we knew them.

SIDENOTE: Anyone remember the music that played when Sonic was drowning? HOW THE HELL is a kid supposed to do anything with this panicky, alarming tune playing. Take a listen to the link below and ask yourself if there is any task you can accomplish with that type of jingle going on simultaneously.

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#110 Kazaam Is So Bad That It’s Entertaining And So Entertaining That It’s Good.

Posted on November 11, 2011 | 9 Comments

If a 7 foot genie appears in front of me and offers three wishes, the first thing I’m asking for is my 93 minutes of life spent watching Kazaam back. Or am I? This is often considered and quite possibly one of the worst films ever made, but it’s so dreadful that many folks enjoy it in a strange way. The cult classic, so bad its hilarious type thing is what a lot of us feel for this movie. It’s the story of a boy named Max who comes across this genie named Kazaam (played by Shaq) who has made a boom box his habitat. Anyway, he gives the boy three wishes and a bunch of ridiculous shenanigans take place. At eight years old, we didn’t necessarily realize how terrible the movie was but was it actually that big of a disaster? I mean Shaquille O’Neal is one of the most popular athletes of the 90s and he has a great sense of humor and can be very entertaining. In addition, we can watch this movie today and laugh out loud. We may be laughing for all the wrong reasons at scenes that weren’t intended to be comedy but it still holds some entertainment value. Upon reflection, it’s actually hard to decipher and know what to make of this 90s kids flick. A lot of 90s kids don’t know if we love or hate this film but the theory that something can be so bad that it’s entertaining and so entertaining that it’s good has Kazaam as it’s prime example.

90s kids, which 90s wish maker do you prefer: Kazaam or Genie from Aladdin? Leave your answers and comments below.

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#109 Our Ty Beanie Babies Still Aren’t Worth Sh*t.

Posted on November 10, 2011 | 13 Comments

The folks at ty really had us fooled when they convinced us that our assortment of small, stuffed animals would someday be worth a fortune. Whether you were an avid collector or had no interest in the dolls, you likely owned at least two Beanie Babies, based solely on the fact that they were everywhere. In toy stores, in grocery stores, at McDonalds being given as gifts and being collected by fanatics, it was simply Beanie Baby Fever. The fascination with these things is hard to understand because they really didn’t do anything noteworthy. They didn’t light up, they didn’t make noise and because of their lack of size they didn’t even make good cuddle buddies — which is kind of the purpose of stuffed animals. Regardless, they were massively popular and everyone was led to believe that one day, their Beanie Babies would be worth a fortune. It wasn’t until about 1999 that the hype died down and people realized they’d spent too many years and too much money investing on this fad obsession with these undersized, overpriced plush beanbags. Any unfortunate 90s kid who still owns a Beanie Baby collection may as well hold onto them at this point and simply hope that one day, for some unforeseeable reason they’ll be worth more than 50 cents at the Swap Meet. Until then, let them gather dust on your shelves along side your Pokémon cards.

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#108 Good Burger Is Only For 90s Kids.

Posted on November 9, 2011 | 23 Comments

First and foremost, I’d like to take a moment to remember how awesome the bright orange VHS tapes that Nickelodeon put their movies on were…. Ok, moment over. Based off of the hilarious All That sketches, this full length film version was so enjoyable to 90s kids around the world. Good Burger is the story of Dexter, a young man whose relaxing summer is ruined when he crashes his mother’s car and finds himself employed at Good Burger alongside Ed. Across the street from Good Burger, a new competitor called Mondo Burger is opening, offering F’N GIGANTIC burgers for low prices. Dexter, Ed and the folks at Good Burger suspect something fishy and hi jinks ensue. The reason this movie is almost strictly for 90s kids is because most older people wouldn’t enjoy a movie made for children, starring characters they aren’t familiar with, and the youngins born too late don’t appreciate Kenan & Kel or know much about classic 90s Nickelodeon. For those of us that grew up in the greatest decade ever, Kenan and Kel provided us with more laughs than just about anyone. We had seen a hefty amount of All That which made The Good Burger skits and the fantastic comedy duo that Kenan and Kel assembled, household names. This cult classic has funny lines, ridiculous moments and Carmen Elektra in her prime – what more could you ask for? Whether it was the stealing of the ice cream truck or the mental institution scene, this movie delivered 90s kids with fond memories and more importantly, 95 minutes of Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell in action.

What were some of your favorite moments, quotes or memories of Good Burger/Kenan & Kel on All That? Leave ‘em in the comment section.

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#107 Scrooge Was Beyond Greedy.

Posted on November 8, 2011 | 6 Comments

Being the richest duck in the world wasn’t enough to keep Scrooge satisfied because he was constantly trying to increase his funds on Ducktales. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious or wanting more, but this guy did have a vault filled with gold and wads of cash so he wasn’t exactly in need. Upon reflection it’s somewhat disappointing that McDuck was more concerned with his heaps of money than his nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie. The only defense that can be made for Scrooge’s obsession with his finances is the fact that there actually were a few villains out to get him, all for different purposes.

VILLAIN #1: The Beagle Boys — A group that plain and simple, wanted to jack Scrooge’s boatloads of money by any means necessary. If they weren’t in prison they were out attempting to rob Scrooge.
VILLAIN #2: Flintheart Glomgold – This guy wanted to steal Scrooge’s title of “Richest Duck In The World”.
VILLAIN #3: Magica De Spell – A female duck who wanted to take Scrooge’s “Number One Dime” (the very first dime he ever earned). It’s debatable as to why exactly she wanted the dime so badly but it seemed as if she thought possession of the dime would somehow result in her being wealthy.

So, while Scrooge did have good reason to be concerned about the safety of his funds, his obsession with money was a little much. I mean, the only exercise he got was when he swam around in his gold. Regardless, Ducktales (a-woo-hoo) is one of the best Disney Cartoons ever, if you didn’t like it – go duck yourself!

**In addition to being greedy, Scrooge was pretty stingy. At one point he went back in time just so he could use an expired coupon. C’mon now, trillionaires shouldn’t penny pinch.

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#106 Danny Tanner Is Not Who You Thought He Was.

Posted on November 7, 2011 | 8 Comments

For years it seemed that Bob Saget’s character Danny Tanner on Full House was the perfect father. The poor man’s late wife, Pam died from a car accident with a drunk driver and Danny was left to raise D.J., Stephanie and Michelle by himself. We saw him discipline, care for, talk to and unconditionally love his three daughters which put us under the impression that he was a family friendly, genuinely nice man. One of the other experiences we had with Bob Saget was when he hosted America’s Funniest Home Videos. Even as host of that series he seemed like a G-rated dude. Apparently Bob Saget is one of the greatest actors of that decade because boy did he have us fooled. While we were thinking Danny Tanner was a superb father who loved his daughters and was obsessed with cleaning and having a spot free home, we didn’t realize the dirty potty mouth that he had on him. Let it be known that Bob Saget is about as far away from his Danny Tanner character as he can possibly be. What’s the biggest difference? Saget curses. And when I say curses, I mean he says every bad word in the book and he says them often in his standup. It’s amazing to see for the first time. All you knew was Danny Tanner from Full House and one day you randomly see that same man talking about performing oral sex for drugs in the movie, Half Baked.  Or you see him playing himself and paying for “escorts” on Entourage. Or you could simply catch one of his standup acts in which you’d hear him cuss like a sailor. Regardless of how you found out, it’s safe to say you were shocked to find out that Bob Saget is not for kids.

Below is a video featuring Saget singing a song titled, “Danny Tanner Was Not Gay” during a stand up.

WARNING: This video has footage of Danny Tanner cussing and it WILL ruin your childhood:

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