The folks at ty really had us fooled when they convinced us that our assortment of small, stuffed animals would someday be worth a fortune. Whether you were an avid collector or had no interest in the dolls, you likely owned at least two Beanie Babies, based solely on the fact that they were everywhere. In toy stores, in grocery stores, at McDonalds being given as gifts and being collected by fanatics, it was simply Beanie Baby Fever. The fascination with these things is hard to understand because they really didn’t do anything noteworthy. They didn’t light up, they didn’t make noise and because of their lack of size they didn’t even make good cuddle buddies — which is kind of the purpose of stuffed animals. Regardless, they were massively popular and everyone was led to believe that one day, their Beanie Babies would be worth a fortune. It wasn’t until about 1999 that the hype died down and people realized they’d spent too many years and too much money investing on this fad obsession with these undersized, overpriced plush beanbags. Any unfortunate 90s kid who still owns a Beanie Baby collection may as well hold onto them at this point and simply hope that one day, for some unforeseeable reason they’ll be worth more than 50 cents at the Swap Meet. Until then, let them gather dust on your shelves along side your Pokémon cards.
First and foremost, I’d like to take a moment to remember how awesome the bright orange VHS tapes that Nickelodeon put their movies on were…. Ok, moment over. Based off of the hilarious All That sketches, this full length film version was so enjoyable to 90s kids around the world. Good Burger is the story of Dexter, a young man whose relaxing summer is ruined when he crashes his mother’s car and finds himself employed at Good Burger alongside Ed. Across the street from Good Burger, a new competitor called Mondo Burger is opening, offering F’N GIGANTIC burgers for low prices. Dexter, Ed and the folks at Good Burger suspect something fishy and hi jinks ensue. The reason this movie is almost strictly for 90s kids is because most older people wouldn’t enjoy a movie made for children, starring characters they aren’t familiar with, and the youngins born too late don’t appreciate Kenan & Kel or know much about classic 90s Nickelodeon. For those of us that grew up in the greatest decade ever, Kenan and Kel provided us with more laughs than just about anyone. We had seen a hefty amount of All That which made The Good Burger skits and the fantastic comedy duo that Kenan and Kel assembled, household names. This cult classic has funny lines, ridiculous moments and Carmen Elektra in her prime – what more could you ask for? Whether it was the stealing of the ice cream truck or the mental institution scene, this movie delivered 90s kids with fond memories and more importantly, 95 minutes of Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell in action.
What were some of your favorite moments, quotes or memories of Good Burger/Kenan & Kel on All That? Leave ‘em in the comment section.
Being the richest duck in the world wasn’t enough to keep Scrooge satisfied because he was constantly trying to increase his funds on Ducktales. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious or wanting more, but this guy did have a vault filled with gold and wads of cash so he wasn’t exactly in need. Upon reflection it’s somewhat disappointing that McDuck was more concerned with his heaps of money than his nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie. The only defense that can be made for Scrooge’s obsession with his finances is the fact that there actually were a few villains out to get him, all for different purposes.
VILLAIN #1: The Beagle Boys — A group that plain and simple, wanted to jack Scrooge’s boatloads of money by any means necessary. If they weren’t in prison they were out attempting to rob Scrooge.
VILLAIN #2: Flintheart Glomgold – This guy wanted to steal Scrooge’s title of “Richest Duck In The World”.
VILLAIN #3: Magica De Spell – A female duck who wanted to take Scrooge’s “Number One Dime” (the very first dime he ever earned). It’s debatable as to why exactly she wanted the dime so badly but it seemed as if she thought possession of the dime would somehow result in her being wealthy.
So, while Scrooge did have good reason to be concerned about the safety of his funds, his obsession with money was a little much. I mean, the only exercise he got was when he swam around in his gold. Regardless, Ducktales (a-woo-hoo) is one of the best Disney Cartoons ever, if you didn’t like it – go duck yourself!
**In addition to being greedy, Scrooge was pretty stingy. At one point he went back in time just so he could use an expired coupon. C’mon now, trillionaires shouldn’t penny pinch.
For years it seemed that Bob Saget’s character Danny Tanner on Full House was the perfect father. The poor man’s late wife, Pam died from a car accident with a drunk driver and Danny was left to raise D.J., Stephanie and Michelle by himself. We saw him discipline, care for, talk to and unconditionally love his three daughters which put us under the impression that he was a family friendly, genuinely nice man. One of the other experiences we had with Bob Saget was when he hosted America’s Funniest Home Videos. Even as host of that series he seemed like a G-rated dude. Apparently Bob Saget is one of the greatest actors of that decade because boy did he have us fooled. While we were thinking Danny Tanner was a superb father who loved his daughters and was obsessed with cleaning and having a spot free home, we didn’t realize the dirty potty mouth that he had on him. Let it be known that Bob Saget is about as far away from his Danny Tanner character as he can possibly be. What’s the biggest difference? Saget curses. And when I say curses, I mean he says every bad word in the book and he says them often in his standup. It’s amazing to see for the first time. All you knew was Danny Tanner from Full House and one day you randomly see that same man talking about performing oral sex for drugs in the movie, Half Baked. Or you see him playing himself and paying for “escorts” on Entourage. Or you could simply catch one of his standup acts in which you’d hear him cuss like a sailor. Regardless of how you found out, it’s safe to say you were shocked to find out that Bob Saget is not for kids.
Below is a video featuring Saget singing a song titled, “Danny Tanner Was Not Gay” during a stand up.
WARNING: This video has footage of Danny Tanner cussing and it WILL ruin your childhood:
Aaahh!!! Real Monsters ran for 4 seasons (52 total episodes) worth of pure awesomeness. Watching Ickis, Krumm and Oblina attend monster academy over the years was a pleasure and this concept was unique for a cartoon. Each monster had their own preferred method for scaring humans, some more intense than others. Ickis had big shoes to fill trying to build on the legacy of his father Slickis who was the school’s top student in the past which is why he was probably so nervous all the time. Anyway, with all the pressure on him, Ickis used his ability to grow larger to scare humans. Krumm, on the other hand was carrying his eyeballs in his hands which, is pretty frightening in itself to just about anyone. In addition, he used a disgusting armpit odor to scare folks off. Oblina’s favorite technique was to reach into her own body, removing her internal organs and shapeshifting into rather disturbing looking forms. She was also capable of giving a human a nightmare by sticking her finger in their ear and tickling their brain while they slept. Now as kids in real life, if we would’ve came across anything that even looked like one of these monster characters, we would’ve been running in the other direction before they even had an opportunity to perform one of their scare tactics. Luckily it was all just a Nicktoon – and a fairly underrated one at that.
FUN FACT: Christine Cavanaugh who voiced Oblina also provided the vocals for Chuckie on Rugrats.
Hocus Pocus is to Halloween what Home Alone is to Christmas. Easily one of, if not the greatest Halloween movie ever made, Hocus Pocus focused (wow, see that little rhyme right there?) on the story of a teenage boy named Max who hates Halloween. Unintentionally, Max resurrects three witches, aka the Sanderson Sisters. The plot thickens and Max has to face danger in order to protect his sister and battle the witches with the assistance of an immortal black cat and his classmate/crush. It’s almost as if we must watch this every year or it isn’t officially Halloween. The critics bashed this movie but it’s developed quite a cult following regardless. As a kid I didn’t notice it but for a children’s movie, this really pushed the envelope. I mean witchcraft and hangings are what the movie kicks off with which is pretty intense if you’re a youngin’. Still, watching it now also allows you to appreciate several lines and parts that are as hilarious now as they were during our youth which is what makes this film so timeless. Also, isn’t it remarkable how good Sarah Jessica Parker looks in this movie? It is from 1993 so she was much younger then, but the 28 year old Sarah Jessica was quite the looker. Aside from her attractiveness the film offers entertainment, laughs and most importantly, Halloween Spirit.
SIDENOTE: I am not a cat lover in the least bit but I feel like I’ve shed a tear or two (or eighteen) over the years watching Binx die. I know his soul was finally freed and he could be with his family and all that jazz but still, that ending scene got me every time.
Helga Pataki was a crazy, stalker when it came to her obsession with Arnold, but in her defense she had a horrible life and a family that was dysfunctional enough to have a Lifetime movie based on their living situation. Helga’s father, “Big Bob” was a douchebag pager salesman who paid her little to no attention. The guy clearly loved his other daughter, Olga more than he did Helga. While Olga was “little miss perfect”, that’s no reason to put Helga and her unibrow on the backburner. Helga’s mother is hilarious when watching now because she was obviously, ALWAYS hammered! This woman was slurring her words while she constantly made and consumed her spiked “smoothies” before falling asleep in the most random of places. If that wasn’t enough, she had a license revoked and was required to do some type of community service at one point which sounds a lot like Mrs.Pataki earned herself a DUI. Being part of a family like this would be tough on any 4th grader but does that really justify Helga’s actions (harassing Arnold, bullying her peers, creating a gum sculpture of his head, etc.)?
For whatever reason, there was some sort of strange love that 90s kids had for animals that were able to talk and open cans of whoop ass. It’s likely that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sparked this trend with their magnificent animated series that ran from 1987-1996. Biker Mice From Mars and Street Sharks followed in the footsteps of Leonardo & co. with cartoons of their
own during the 90s. Initially it’s hard to explain the mass appeal of these types of shows but upon examination, it’s quite simple. Many people may have owned turtles and mice as pets, but they weren’t exactly our idea of awesome. Now, when you turn those turtles into teenage mutant ninjas and make the plain old mice, bikers from Mars, it’s a whole new ball game. Hell, sharks are pretty badass as it is but when you make them street savvy, it’s that much more exciting.
Let’s be honest, Street Sharks was doing its best Ninja Turtles impression and that got it 40 jawsome episodes. This series was a lot like that average group of kids who tried to copy the popular group of kids, and actually got by for a short time doing so. The show revolved around four brothers, John, Bobby, Coop and Clint who are turned into sharks by the diabolical Dr. Paradigm. The four Street Sharks enjoyed eating hamburgers, hotdogs and French fries while they shared a strong disliking for pizza, which just so happened to be the Ninja Turtles favorite
thing to grub on — a not so subtle cheap shot by the Street Sharks creators. Regardless of their appetite, many of us enjoyed the show while it lasted. Watching Ripster (Johnny), Jab (Clint), Streex (Bobby) and Big Slammu (Coop) team up every episode to stop Dr. Paradigm from transforming the residents of Fission City into a bunch of mutants provided a great deal of entertainment and badassness.
Biker Mice From Mars offered a different idea that was good for three seasons and 65 episodes. The story revolved around a group of anthropomorphic mice from the planet, Mars who just so happened to enjoy motorsports. Upon reflection, that concept is random as hell but it was still fantastic. When Mars is taken over by a group called the Plutarkians, three survivors named Throttle, Modo and Vinnie manage to get a spaceship and escape but they are shot down by a Plutarkian warship, landing them on Earth — in Chicago of all places. Then the generous mice spent the entire series protecting Earth from some natural resource stealing, punk ass Plutarkians. Not only was the animated series great for entertainment, but it also produced a racing video game for the Super Nintendo that I for one, got thrills out of playing.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was the best badass talking animal cartoon of them all, bar none. Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello did some serious villain dominating, without ever using their weapons to the maximum potential. As a unit, they were walking around with a combination of ass whipping tools that included katanas, sais, nunchucks and a bo staff. If they actually used these weapons against the likes of Shredder, Bebop, Rocksteady, Krang and Technodrome it would’ve been a blood bath. Regardless of its lack of graphic violence, this was and still is one of the greatest animated shows of all time. Whether it was toys, video games, movies or the cartoon, the Ninja Turtles were a huge part of 90s kids’ childhood. We can take pride in the fact that the animated series we grew up loving, is widely considered the most notable Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles concept that sparked the franchise to its phenomenal pop culture status.
So you would think being a program that aired during a 2 hour family television block (TGIF) would be enough to make the writers of Dinosaurs show a little sensitivity when creating the series finale episode, right? Wrong. The show ended with not so much as a glimmer of hope for the characters we had grown emotionally attached to over 4 seasons and 65 episodes. It left us crying in our dinner on an emotionally draining Friday evening in 1994. Throughout those episodes we saw the loveable family of dinosaurs deal with issues such as women’s rights, peer pressure, environmentalism, and civil rights. Anyway, the ending began when…
1.) The irresponsible dinosaurs constructed a wax fruit factory on some beetles’ swampland habitat, forcing the species into extinction. As a result, cider poppy vines that the beetles would normally devour rapidly grew out of control.
2.) Earl was put in charge of getting rid of the massive amounts of vines and he decided to spay the planet with defoliant. Problem solved, right? Wrong again. 3.) The spraying caused all plant life on the planet to die.
4.) In one final act of stupidity, the dinosaurs decide that dropping bombs in the planets volcanoes will cause them to erupt, creating clouds, causing it to rain and reviving their plants. Instead, the dark clouds cause global cooling due to massive cloud cover and scientists guesstimate that it would take “tens of thousands of years” to stop.
Realizing that his entire species is completely F’d, Earl simply apologizes to his family for ending the world. The series ends with newsman Howard Handupme delivering a disturbing broadcast that ends eerily with the delivery of the phrase “Goodnight” and “Goodbye” to the audience. Now I personally was about six years old when this aired and aside from Mufasa falling off a cliff & getting crushed by a “Wal-Mart on Black Friday-esque” stampede, the ending of Dinosaurs was the most gut wrenching thing I had to watch.
HERE’S THE LAST HALF OF THE DINOSAURS SERIES FINALE. Watch at your own risk, 90s lovers.
This is an issue that has been eating away at the nostalgic hearts of Doug lovers around the world for over a decade; and now, it’s time we release those feelings of disappointment and frustration. In 1996, Disney took Doug and changed things in a way that ruined the pure excellence Nickelodeon had previously created. It wasn’t just the fact that the new Doug had stupid, long sleeves and full length pants instead of khaki shorts. There were 10 specific differences that irked millions of us and they are listed below, in no particular order:
1.) Disney’s Doug had a new, whistling theme song that paled in comparison to the original.
2.) Disney’s Doug had 9 strands of hair, instead of 8. (OK, I’m nitpicking and it was for trademark purposes, but still.)
3.) Disney’s Doug added a new younger sister to the Funnie family. Her name was Cleopatra and she served no real purpose.
4.) Patti got a new haircut and a tan. The short hairdo gave her a prepubescent boyish charm that made Doug go more Gaga than Lady over Ms. Mayonnaise.
5.) Roger Klotz became rich in Disney’s Doug after living broke and in a trailer park for 3 seasons on Nickelodeon. Why would we want to see the character that we hated for all those episodes suddenly be rollin’ in the dough?
6.) The lightning bolt on Skeeter’s shirt became a zero and they changed his look up enough to make us notice and be aggravated.
7.) Every episode of Disney’s Doug was full length 22 minutes while Nickelodeons Doug was split into two 11 minute segments.
8.) The Honker Burger where Doug & company hung out on Nickelodeon closed down.
9.) Connie Benge lost like 50 pounds and was skinny on Disney’s Doug.
10.) Last but certainly not least and probably MOST bothersome of all, Disney’s Doug decided to BREAK UP THE GREATEST FICTION BAND OF ALL TIME, THE BEETS. Like we discussed in realization #69, The Beets created some brilliant songs that were better than a lot of un-animated, real life artists that exist today. This change by Disney is unacceptable and unforgivable.
In the interest of originality, it’s probably best that networks try creating their own, unique cartoon series’. However, if they insist on buying the rights to a classic, please don’t make unnecessary changes. How would they like it if Nickelodeon bought the rights to Ducktales, made Uncle Scrooge poor, changed Louie McDuck’s shirt to purple and created a new theme song that isn’t nearly as catchy or awesome as the classic, “Ducktales – a woo hoo!”? To answer my own question, they wouldn’t like it. In fact, they would hate it! So, there is a lesson to be learned in Patti’s short hair, Doug’s baby sister and the hefty bank account of Roger Klotz; be original, even if you can afford you buy your way out of it.