For those foggy on Mr. Simmons, let’s jog your memory and get you up to speed.
He was a teacher on Hey Arnold and, as the picture makes evident, he was essentially an adult version of Doug Funnie. Does anybody remember this moment shown below? It features Simmons nearly dropping an F-Bomb which we probably didn’t even think twice about as kids:
Donning those classic green sweater vests with a white shirt underneath — these two resemble a father and son coordinating outfits for the family portrait. It makes one wonder, was this intentional or were the cartoonists at Nickelodeon simply lazy about drawing out new wardrobes? Whatever the case may be, it’s hard to see one without thinking of the other in the back of your mind, because the resemblance is fu…fudging uncanny.
When we were kids, there were very few forms of words & illustrations bound together on pieces of paper that really appealed to us. Besides Where’s Waldo and comic books, there were two other very well liked exceptions. Nickelodeon Magazine & Disney Adventures were two things that 90s kids really enjoyed. Nickelodeon Magazine ran a commercial that must’ve aired at every single break (see below), because it’s forever embedded in plenty of our brains. Anyway, these magazines featured content that we found interesting during that time period. See, nowadays we’re more likely to read magazines with content covering celebrity gossip, fashion, sports or things of that nature. Back then we got our thrills from Nickelodeon Magazine’s comics, pranks, posters, interviews, recipes, non-fiction articles and general humor. The coolest thing about ‘em was the fact that they didn’t strictly contain things only associated with their network; they covered all sorts of topics a kid could relate to! Meanwhile, Disney Adventures managed to capture the entertaining/fun aspects that Nickelodeon Magazine had, while adding some educational material in addition. So, we learned a few things and got the take pleasure in the puzzle games, entertainment news, fun facts (a section called: Weird Yet True) and a sports guide, created by ESPN. While both magazines have met their demise, they put together strong runs that managed to live on past our childhoods. If you have the slightest hoarding tendencies, surely you’ve got some of these magazines lying around somewhere.
OK, who else has seen this Nickelodeon Magazine commercial below SO MANY times that you can still recite nearly every word, verbatim? Nostalgia at its finest!
First and foremost, I’d like to take a moment to remember how awesome the bright orange VHS tapes that Nickelodeon put their movies on were…. Ok, moment over. Based off of the hilarious All That sketches, this full length film version was so enjoyable to 90s kids around the world. Good Burger is the story of Dexter, a young man whose relaxing summer is ruined when he crashes his mother’s car and finds himself employed at Good Burger alongside Ed. Across the street from Good Burger, a new competitor called Mondo Burger is opening, offering F’N GIGANTIC burgers for low prices. Dexter, Ed and the folks at Good Burger suspect something fishy and hi jinks ensue. The reason this movie is almost strictly for 90s kids is because most older people wouldn’t enjoy a movie made for children, starring characters they aren’t familiar with, and the youngins born too late don’t appreciate Kenan & Kel or know much about classic 90s Nickelodeon. For those of us that grew up in the greatest decade ever, Kenan and Kel provided us with more laughs than just about anyone. We had seen a hefty amount of All That which made The Good Burger skits and the fantastic comedy duo that Kenan and Kel assembled, household names. This cult classic has funny lines, ridiculous moments and Carmen Elektra in her prime – what more could you ask for? Whether it was the stealing of the ice cream truck or the mental institution scene, this movie delivered 90s kids with fond memories and more importantly, 95 minutes of Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell in action.
What were some of your favorite moments, quotes or memories of Good Burger/Kenan & Kel on All That? Leave ‘em in the comment section.
Helga Pataki was a crazy, stalker when it came to her obsession with Arnold, but in her defense she had a horrible life and a family that was dysfunctional enough to have a Lifetime movie based on their living situation. Helga’s father, “Big Bob” was a douchebag pager salesman who paid her little to no attention. The guy clearly loved his other daughter, Olga more than he did Helga. While Olga was “little miss perfect”, that’s no reason to put Helga and her unibrow on the backburner. Helga’s mother is hilarious when watching now because she was obviously, ALWAYS hammered! This woman was slurring her words while she constantly made and consumed her spiked “smoothies” before falling asleep in the most random of places. If that wasn’t enough, she had a license revoked and was required to do some type of community service at one point which sounds a lot like Mrs.Pataki earned herself a DUI. Being part of a family like this would be tough on any 4th grader but does that really justify Helga’s actions (harassing Arnold, bullying her peers, creating a gum sculpture of his head, etc.)?
Spread the word to all, tonight at midnight, 90s lovers can rejoice in a new block dedicated to classic Nickelodeon television called “The ’90s Are All That”! It will air from 12 to 4 a.m. through the week and 4 to 6 p.m. on the weekend. For now, the schedule consists of episodes of Kenan & Kel, All That, Doug and Clarissa Explains it all BUT if there are different programs you want to see leave a comment here or go to THE THINGS ’90s KIDS REALIZE FACEBOOK PAGE and let your voice be heard. What shows do you want to see return besides these?
*Things 90s Kids Realize on Twitter
This is an issue that has been eating away at the nostalgic hearts of Doug lovers around the world for over a decade; and now, it’s time we release those feelings of disappointment and frustration. In 1996, Disney took Doug and changed things in a way that ruined the pure excellence Nickelodeon had previously created. It wasn’t just the fact that the new Doug had stupid, long sleeves and full length pants instead of khaki shorts. There were 10 specific differences that irked millions of us and they are listed below, in no particular order:
1.) Disney’s Doug had a new, whistling theme song that paled in comparison to the original.
2.) Disney’s Doug had 9 strands of hair, instead of 8. (OK, I’m nitpicking and it was for trademark purposes, but still.)
3.) Disney’s Doug added a new younger sister to the Funnie family. Her name was Cleopatra and she served no real purpose.
4.) Patti got a new haircut and a tan. The short hairdo gave her a prepubescent boyish charm that made Doug go more Gaga than Lady over Ms. Mayonnaise.
5.) Roger Klotz became rich in Disney’s Doug after living broke and in a trailer park for 3 seasons on Nickelodeon. Why would we want to see the character that we hated for all those episodes suddenly be rollin’ in the dough?
6.) The lightning bolt on Skeeter’s shirt became a zero and they changed his look up enough to make us notice and be aggravated.
7.) Every episode of Disney’s Doug was full length 22 minutes while Nickelodeons Doug was split into two 11 minute segments.
8.) The Honker Burger where Doug & company hung out on Nickelodeon closed down.
9.) Connie Benge lost like 50 pounds and was skinny on Disney’s Doug.
10.) Last but certainly not least and probably MOST bothersome of all, Disney’s Doug decided to BREAK UP THE GREATEST FICTION BAND OF ALL TIME, THE BEETS. Like we discussed in realization #69, The Beets created some brilliant songs that were better than a lot of un-animated, real life artists that exist today. This change by Disney is unacceptable and unforgivable.
In the interest of originality, it’s probably best that networks try creating their own, unique cartoon series’. However, if they insist on buying the rights to a classic, please don’t make unnecessary changes. How would they like it if Nickelodeon bought the rights to Ducktales, made Uncle Scrooge poor, changed Louie McDuck’s shirt to purple and created a new theme song that isn’t nearly as catchy or awesome as the classic, “Ducktales – a woo hoo!”? To answer my own question, they wouldn’t like it. In fact, they would hate it! So, there is a lesson to be learned in Patti’s short hair, Doug’s baby sister and the hefty bank account of Roger Klotz; be original, even if you can afford you buy your way out of it.
The game show where four Nickelodeon celebrity panelists would guess skills or accomplishments of kids was something many of us found ourselves watching back in the day. Unfortunately, there were many instances where the word “talent” was used very loosely. Among the most preposterous “talents” were the following:
- A kid who could bite a piece of cheese into the shape of Florida. Riveting.
- A boy who collected his toe jam and turned it into a ball of toe jam. Disgusting.
- A kid who bents fingers back to wrist. You’re double jointed, not talented.
- A kid who discovered peanut shells hid the scent of pig urine. How and why hediscovered this, we don’t want to know.
- A kid who sticks lobsters to eyelids and tongue. Really? Reeeeally?
- A kid who collected human hair to make dolls. Not noteworthy or a skill/talent. It is however, extraordinarily creepy.
- A kid with a rattail down his neck. Congrats on growing an ugly hair style.
While these kids failed epically there was a fair share of skilled kids. The human jump rope and cup stacker kids are the ones that come to mind immediately. The other annoying thing was how unenthusiastic some of these contestants were. We all would’ve loved to be on a Nickelodeon game show and some of these kids were bratty, stuck up or lacking a pulse. You’re on TV winning prizes you ungrateful bee-otches, ENJOY IT. In those kids defense, sometimes the prizes were a tad lame. Like, WTF do I want a “Figure It Out” messenger bag for? C’mon now! Another plus was the host everyone had a crush on, Summer Sanders. Unfortunately her coolness was canceled out by the obnoxiously corny dude who would announce all of the prizes. This sounds like a lot of negative but the show did deliver in the entertainment department! Danny’s constant jokes, flipping his hair back to get slime on the crowd and Lori Beth Denberg always seeming to have the correct guess were common occurrences. Hmm, Lori Beth really knew the answers far too often. Upon reflection, many areas of the show seem blatantly rigged. If that’s the case they owe us an apology… Although, an apology won’t un-shit those kids prizes.
I don’t know who did the casting for Nick Arcade but whoever it was sure had a knack for finding the most incapable gamers. This show was spectacular in the early 90s and it would be interesting to see it done in modern times with all of the new video games and improved technology. Anyway, I’m not sure if it was multiple cases of unsteady hands or if being horrible at the Sega Genesis was a requirement for all contestants, either way; almost every episode features someone so incompetent that it was frustrating to watch. I don’t want to be tough on these kids but it was 1991 and the controllers probably had two buttons and an arrow pad! How hard can that be to handle? Typically those who sucked at video games also sucked in the final part of the show called “The Video Zone”, which was a live action video game. This three level course required climbing, running, ducking and dodging which is asking a lot from an uncoordinated kid who can’t use a basic controller to collect rings on Sonic the Hedgehog. As bad as some of these kids were, the show never failed to entertain me and besides Legends Of The Hidden Temple – it looked like the most fun game show to participate in.