For starters, Grandpa Phil’s head was undeniably shaped like a penis – I mean, look at it — just by being shown on screen, phallic head Phil was inappropriate.
If the silhouette of that man’s head isn’t problematic enough for you, let’s look at some more not-so-child-friendly moments involving Phil throughout the series.
For those foggy on Mr. Simmons, let’s jog your memory and get you up to speed.
He was a teacher on Hey Arnold and, as the picture makes evident, he was essentially an adult version of Doug Funnie. Does anybody remember this moment shown below? It features Simmons nearly dropping an F-Bomb which we probably didn’t even think twice about as kids:
Donning those classic green sweater vests with a white shirt underneath — these two resemble a father and son coordinating outfits for the family portrait. It makes one wonder, was this intentional or were the cartoonists at Nickelodeon simply lazy about drawing out new wardrobes? Whatever the case may be, it’s hard to see one without thinking of the other in the back of your mind, because the resemblance is fu…fudging uncanny.
Helga Pataki was a crazy, stalker when it came to her obsession with Arnold, but in her defense she had a horrible life and a family that was dysfunctional enough to have a Lifetime movie based on their living situation. Helga’s father, “Big Bob” was a douchebag pager salesman who paid her little to no attention. The guy clearly loved his other daughter, Olga more than he did Helga. While Olga was “little miss perfect”, that’s no reason to put Helga and her unibrow on the backburner. Helga’s mother is hilarious when watching now because she was obviously, ALWAYS hammered! This woman was slurring her words while she constantly made and consumed her spiked “smoothies” before falling asleep in the most random of places. If that wasn’t enough, she had a license revoked and was required to do some type of community service at one point which sounds a lot like Mrs.Pataki earned herself a DUI. Being part of a family like this would be tough on any 4th grader but does that really justify Helga’s actions (harassing Arnold, bullying her peers, creating a gum sculpture of his head, etc.)?
If Stoop Kid were real, his life story is the type of thing Oprah would dedicate a full episode to. First he was abandoned on a stoop as a baby and that alone is pretty damn bad. It gets worse though, he raises himself on the previously mentioned stoop eating apples from a nearby tree and basically loving and protecting the stoop as if it were his family. His obsession gets out of control as he aggressively shoos away and harasses each and every passerby. When Arnold exposes Stoop Kids fear of leaving the stoop to the general public, kids torture him with a very public, massive verbal lashing. This is all HORRIBLE. I mean, sure in the end Arnold kind of helps him become comfortable leaving his stoop and that’s sort of redemption but that doesn’t change the cold hard facts that follow:
1.) He was abandoned as a baby and nobody found and/or took care of him.
2.) Nobody loves him. Hell, nobody even likes him besides Arnold.
3.) Nearly all of his life has taken place on a stoop.
4.) He has a ridiculously thick unibrow. Seriously. Look at him.
Now, we can all look past these things and be satisfied that Stoop Kid is no longer afraid to leave his stoop but if you’re a decent person then surely the conclusion of that episode wasn’t adequate for you. If you’re a cold-hearted person and that ending was sufficient – you probably related well to cartoon characters like Angelica Pickles.
The girl made a shrine dedicated to Arnold including a gum sculpture and that alone justifies my statement. But to elaborate further, she was constantly following Arnold around and cutting him down with insults, mainly referring to him as “football head”. Personally, I don’t think it’s just a crush. I see an aggressive, malicious, extreme fascination and realistically, Helga has psycho tendencies. If Arnold knew the potential level of danger he’s in every time he hangs around Helga, I’m certain a restraining order would be intact. Maybe if she shaved her unibrow and stopped acting like a dude, Arnold would give her a second look.